I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
