not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
