At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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