Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
