I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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