I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
