Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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