i think my tv is drunk
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
