the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
