You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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