new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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