There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
