my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he was CRYING into my vagina
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
