mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
