That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
