just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
