Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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