Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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