There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
