i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The power of my boobs compel you
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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