I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
