On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
