So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
