shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
