Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
