No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
