I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
