Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
