There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
