Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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