We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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