Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
