broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
