Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
