Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
