Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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