My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
