I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
