yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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