I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
