Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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