I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
