I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
