You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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