Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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