I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
