So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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