I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
