you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
