I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
