Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
