Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
