i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
