About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
