I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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