Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
