I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
