Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
