i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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