Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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